leahmarie

Getting Myself back

And I am feeling better, well on that level…..more good news, I got on a pair of size 10s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am wearing them right now a little tight, but I got them on and I did NOT have to do the lieing down on the bed and flopping around thing hehe!! Size 10s, I havent gotten this size on for like 10 years!!! So my inspiration is coming back to me, even though I was down and out, I stuck with my program. And this week it looks like I will be seeing new numbers on that scale! WOOOOT!!!

So ya I fell emotionally, it happens, on one level it lets me know that I am still hum,an lol But picking yourself up off the floor only makes you stronger, like an emotional push up. This journey is one that is full of self discovery, cleaning the skeletons out of your proverbial mind closet, facing your demons, its all part of the journey….if we can make it through the abyss of our own self, we can become a more stronger person……we can achieve our goals, one baby step at a time, is still getting you there! I am still learning and growing, I think I will always be learning, growing and changing until the day I die

On a physical level, I am not doing so good, I get to go to yet another specialist, now on top of my PTC condition, there is a problem with my sinuses, so on top of the pressure headaches I have every day, I have sinus headaches, double whammy, yay for me….ggggrrrr……the neurologist didnt explain to me what was going on she just referred me to the ear nose and throat guy, I did not ask her for more info because she seemed to be choking constantly and could barely talk, poor old gal.

So buddies, I am here still, I am around, I am not on nearly as much as I would love to be, but if you need me I am just a buddy mail away I still think of you all each and every day and I am going to try to be on more for you! Thank you all for just being you, thank you for all the notes, the inspiration and the love, I feel the love!!

So I am sending you all hugs and love,  we can do this, even if its just one baby step at a time, one small achievement can be like a tiny snow ball rolling down a mountain, lets get rollin’!
Love and Peace!
Leah♥

You dont have to read this, I just need to get this out…..

I guess the depression trying to set back, I feel like such crap…I have spent the last weeks working out 3 times a day, keeping my cals in check, drinking tons of water….but no loss, just the same numbers on the scale every week, I think I have lost like 4 pounds in an entire month…..ya the depression is trying to find its way back into my life, and I dont know if I can stop it again…..

A part of me wants to just be happy that I made it to size 12, but the rest of me refuses to be happy with that….I look down at my body and for some reason I hate the way it looks just as much as I did when I was almost 300 pounds….everything is all saggy, every thing is all wrinkly with loose skin even my ass!!!!!! my thighs are still fat, I have stretch marks every where, and all I want to do is cry, every day…..

Why did I ever put myself in this position, why did I ever let myself go and get so fucking fat….I will never be able to be happy with this body and it is totally sucking for me to realize that……all the work I have done on getting rid of my depression and self loathing feels like it was for nothing, because still it hides in my mind and comes out and slaps me in the face….I hate feeling like this, I hate the fact I am weak and let this boohoo crap get the best of me…..I just dont know what to do…..

 So Here is my Progress~

July Progress pic in my new 12s

Junes Progress pic in 14s

Mays Progress Pic in 15s

Feb/March Progress Pic in 16s

So that is my progress in pics, not bad…this has been a great journey, its not over yet of course…..though size 12 was my main goal, its not over yet I think I could make it to 10s and then 8s….who knows maybe even 6s ?!?!?!

But this is the weird part, I thought once I was in 12s I would feel so good, so accomplished, but I dont….I dont feel like 12s are good enough, though I know inside me that getting from size 24 to 12s is a huge accomplishment, I dont feel like its good enough…I cant stop now, I catch myself still feeling sooooo big, I guess I am just still not happy with my body, with how much space I am taking up….but I am on the level, that I know I can work out, I can work my body harder than I ever thought I would be able to, and I LOVE it! Now a confession, I think I am obsessed with working out, and even though I know I may be over doing it, I dont care, I work out three times a day for 25-45 minute sessions, I try to make sure I take one day off a week at least, but on my days off I still have to get in one or two work outs, how sad is that?! Sparkpeople.com has my calorie intake a day set between 2100-2500, and I cant eat that much, but I do try…I am just so set on this path, I am in a good routine, maybe over doing it a bit, but it feels so good to push myself, its like an addiction now almost, but I had to come clean on that, it feels good to get it off my chest lol!

I sat out to be a size 12, now its time to proove to myself I can reach any goal.

I am sorry I havent been any kind of good buddy, I havent been a good team mate, I have just been so busy, I am trying to get back into my art and that feels sooooooo good! Being able to create, I think the freedom of creative expression is soooooo very important for the spirit, and when the sdpirit feels satisfied the mind and body follows

I am going to try to get in more time on the compy, please, please forgive me for not being on as much as I should…..but I do want you to know I think about all my buddy’s and team mates all the time… and I figured out what my reward for reaching my main goal is going to be, a tiger tattoo, a symbol for not only the inner strength of the spirit, but also a symbol  my WILDCATS, they have helped me soooooo much, and because ofcourse I have always loved big cats

Sending hugz to all my buddies and teams kitties….And I hope to be on here more often!

Spread Peace and Love Always!
Leah♥

I feel…that’s just it, I FEEL…this is almost like realizing I am waking up after a winters long sleep….feeling again is like opening your eyes to the bright morning sun, and I am adjusting….I am emerging….

For so long I slept in a world where I had barred my feelings away from myself, ones around me, the whole world, easier to deal with that way ya know….I guess for every feeling I imprisoned away, it stored itself in the pounds I gained…..never really gone, the only way to get rid of it was work it out of hiding, face it and free it from my binds….I never realized that I was keeping it there to torment myself…I never knew how far this step would actually take me in my development….

I always was seeking for something to fill the void I created inside myself, maybe I didnt create it by myself, for we are all products of our environment, as a child growing up in this world of unsure possibilities, I picked up my characteristics as I went, examples layed down by supreme beings like the parents, some being forced into my life unwanted, even scary, others picked up to help deal with the trash left behind by the inconsiderate….cover up the void any way you want, it may look good for awhile but one day your going to fall through, and that’s the day where you can either finally take the time to heal this void, or choose to pick up a rug and cover it up again….
I am on a non-stop journey to finally heal the void, fix myself inside and I know with out a doubt that the outside shell will follow. Oh to feel like a complete being again, the day I hit that goal there will be no turning back, all that will be left is to just BE, and that’s what I am going to do, finally be Me

In no way am I thinking its going to be an easy quick, blink of the eye and snap of the finger, its a journey, it is THE journey, the one I have been on my whole life, at least I am on the right road now, some how making my way back after taking so many unplanned exits and fantastical short cuts that ends in tragedy….. sure I could sit and beat myself up for being so ignorant, and that is what I did for so long and it got me no where, like sitting on the side of the road will usually do, OR, or I can say well at least I learned Something from my mistakes, pick myself up, dust off the crap and started out again, now with some kind of knowledge gained.

We are learning and growing always, it is what you do with the information, knowledge that you gain that is so very important……how are you going to shape your life, yourself, your future….I for one, am finally strong enough to say that I am ready to shape myself into the person I always wanted to be, the real Me….. and I am finally ready to kick this old fake costume I have been wearing for too many years, its been so heavy, so cumbersome…..
Shake your costume, be true to yourself always…..let love spread through you like wild fire, the first step to freedom is Love, that unconditional love we all seek, we need to give it ourselves first, so we can learn how to truly give it to others, think what a wonderful world that would make

Peace Always,
Leah Marie ♥

Veiw More Art~ My Art Portfolio

You have to believe in yourself! You  can truly do anything if you really want to, from couch potato to this! I made it my goal to work out every day of May, and I did~
1. 40 mins stationary bike, 35 mins walking, 50 jumping jacks, 50 push ups
2. 60 mins on stationary bike, 20 mins walking, 50 jumping jacks,50 push ups
3. 70 mins on stationary, 50 push ups, 50 jumping jacks
4. 45 mins stationary, 45 mins walking, 50 jumping jacks
5. 40 mins stationary, 25 mins walking, oops no jumping jacks (had a headache)
6. 55 mins stationary bike, 55 jumping jacks, 55 push ups ( 55 day woot)
7. 55 mins stationary, 50 push ups, 50 jumping jacks
8. 45 mins stationary, 50 jumping jacks, 50 push ups, 35 mins walking
9. 60 mins stationary bike, 40 mins walking
10. 60 mins stationary bike, 15 mins walking
11. 40 mins stationary, 10 min ab ball work out
12. 60 mins stationary bike, 10 min ab ball
13. 60 min stationary bike, 15 min ab ball, 35 min walking
14. 62 mins stationary bike, 10 min ab ball, 25 min walking, 65 push ups
15. 60 mins stationary bike, 10 min ab ball, 65 push ups
16. 60 mins stationary, 10 min ab ball, 65 push ups
17. 50 mins stationary, 10 min ab ball, 65 push ups
18. 50 mins stationary, 20 mins walking
19. 1 hr 20 mins stationary bike, 25 mins walking, 5 min abs, 65 push ups
20. 55 mins stationary, 10 min ab ball, 65 push ups
21. 60 mins stationary bike, 20 mins walking
22. 30 min stationary bike, 30 mins walking
23. 60 mins stationary bike, 5 min ab ball, 65 push ups
24. 60 mins stationary bike, 10 min ab ball, 65 push ups
25. 60 mins stationary, 5 min ab ball, 65 push ups
26. 30 min stationary, 45 minute walking
27. 30 min stationary, 5 min ab ball, 65 push ups
28. 70 min stationary bike
29. 40 min stationary bike, 5 min ab ball, 65 push ups
30. 50 min stationary, 5 min ab ball, 65 push ups
31. 65 min stationary bike, 5 min ab ball

I cant believe it! So many goals hit for May, it gives me faith I am going to keep on hitting more goals! This is proof that we can do this, we can loose weight and be fit! Its all about how much of yourself you are willing to give Yourself! We here at BuddySlim have an advantage, each other! I know I would not push my self if I had no one to be accountable to, my team the Wildcats, the most amazing bunch of women I could have ever wanted to meet, keep me motivated, even when I am no where near my computer!

So cheers to my buddies, all you wonderful peeps!! I could not do this with out you, and I would not want to!!! Cheers to us, cheers to our bodies, cheers to our goals!!!

Peace Always,

♥Leah♥

BMI	Weight Status
Below 18.5	Underweight
18.5—24.9	Normal
25.0—29.9	Overweight
30.0 and Above	Obese

I am No longer Obese!!!! Now I am just Overweight and I can hang with that, because its not going to last for long!! I started this with a BMI of 41.7, ahhhhhhh! Now its 29.8 and I plan on keeping it droppin’ until I am  in the ‘normal’range woot!

I am just so happy right now, I have been wanting to get that BMI number under 30 for sooooo long I am just going to keep sticking with it, because it pays off!

Right now my muscles are a little on the sore side. I have been workin my core out the past two weeks and I measured my waist this morning, 35 inches!!!! I started this somewhere around the 46 inches area, I dont really measure much else but I know that I am loosing inches everywhere, in my arms too, Thanks for the Push up advice Nancy!!! And I am sure the long 45+ minute sexercise work outs have been helping a lot too, thanx hubby

But feeling my muscles being a little sore is making me feel so alive, its a good feeling to know that I can and will be the hot fit mama I wanna be!

And the hubz! Oh some of you may remember me blogging about his back and how he could barely walk or stand up straight….well he is standing up straight and walking and getting himself back into tip top shape, he has been working out too and its paying off for him, I am so proud of him!

Lets make this summer full of goals won and dreams coming true!!!

Shout out to my cats, I love you guys!
Peace Always,

Leah♥

Wow, this is like so amazing, today I went to Waly World, found a pair of size 14 (petite) jeans on the clearance rack for $5, what a deal, even better they rang up $3 at check out, I love that! I figured they would be my next goal jeans, I mean they are 14s!

So I got home and figured lets see how much more I gotta loose to fit into these suckers…pulling them on, they went over my hips, woot, now for the buttoning, well they button yes with room to Breath!!!! Now I started this journey is a size 24……a 24! Now I am fitting into 14s…whats next can I really hit 12s and then by the grace of the universe will i hit 10s….oh ya baby!!!!!

We can do this!!!!!!

I love you guys!!!

Since my Nancy was brave enough to show us hers, I figured I would share mine….These were hidden away in a box, I only stumbled on them looking for more books to read…So here we go, here is me in ‘04, I was 5 months prego in this pic, but I only gained 3 pounds during the whole pregnancy with my daughter.

And here is me in ‘05, this was at one of my biggest points….omg I cant believe Iam showing you guys this LOL!!!

Talk about Ms Piggy, that was what I always called myself back then lol…….

Ok now for the recent ones, these make me feel better lol!!!

( those pants are size 15s  woot woot! )

Still got work to do, gotta get rid of that tummy, tone those arms too!!!

I got goals and I am gunna reach ‘em!!!

I could not have come this far with out my Buddies….I LOVE you guys!!!!!
If I can do this, anyone can…so smile, we are on this journey Together!!!

Cheers to Us and our Bright, Healthy Futures!

Peace & Hugz,

♥ Leah ♥

Its May 8th, the sun is just now peaking over the desert mountains that surround my little town….I just woke up , realizing it was weigh in day, I jumped outa bed and stumbled to the bathroom, nope this cant wait, I have been working so hard, I just have to see!!! I slowly step on the scale, rolling my eyes at the fading ridicules from the past, you know the ones that taunt you when you step on the scale…..it seems like it spins for a longer moment then usual, the line comes to a stop at 198, No Way! But I was 200 even the day before…so I step offf the scale, let it rest back on 0, get back on it, 198….ok I am dreaming….one more time, still 198…..I made it, I made it to Onederland!!!!!  Hubby asks as I emerge from the bath room with a huge smile on my face, “So how was it?” and I told him and he congratulated me and hugged me, letting me know how proud of me he is…..So get up buddies do a happy dance with me!!!

This was something I thought was Impossible just months ago, and here I am, here I sit telling all my buddies! You see guys I have never been a high achiever in any department, will power, HA,  I had no clue!! But I changed, I found a reason to do this, myself, my own happiness….a journey of this scale can only come from a drive to be happy, For You, Yourself only…you cant do this for anyone one else, my lovelies….So Please always remember~

Oh I am just so happy, life is really what we make it, lets make it the best we can!

Needless to say, I am going to treat myself to a little shopping! Thanks to Mr Obama, I am waiting on a little check this month, and then its off to the store to find the perfect pair of size 14s, a nice shirt, new pantie and a new sexy bra, I think I deserve it

My man was so sweet to me this morning, before I even got out of bed he told me I was beautiful, How Sweet was That!! And then he gave me a hug in the kitchen, and was grabbing my ass,and saying look how far I can reach around you, and then he said something that made me wanna cry,’This reminds me of when you were younger, before we had kids’….oh he melts ,my heart sometimes…..

 So cheers my friends!!!!   Heres to us, to us being Happy, to great Buddies and awesome achievements…to never being alone because we have each other!!!

Today is our day, the sun shines, the birds sing and we can breath, we are alive, lets grab life by the horns my Buddies….Life is beautiful…

Remember always that I am here for all my Buddies, for all who need a helping hand, grab mine!
Sending Peace and Hugz, I love you guys, I love this site…together we can achieve anything!!

((Hugz))
Leah♥

Wow….201, a weight I never could imagine being again…and now looking back, How did I ever let myself get that big!!! I was 274 and then some…..I have such a new respect for my body, and I feel so ver guilty I let it get so big and so out of control….I mean yes I am sooooooo, so, sooooooo very happy I am getting rid of this weight, every time I get on that scale I am so proud of the work out machine I am creating, but on the other hand, my POOR body!!! I have extra skin everywhere (look at my progress pic, look at my arms, uhhhggg), and stretch marks and a few spider viens too, Body I am So Very Sorry I was so ignorent, so oblivious to the damage I was causing you! Nope never again will I treat my poor body like that! From here and forever, I will treat myself like the goddess I am So promise me now, my Buddies, that you will do the same, treat yourself, your body and your spirit like the truly beautiful, strong Goddess you really are!

Wow, what a journey these last few months have bee, I have been doing more soul searching and more finding myself that I hid deep inside. But I can say, now more than ever, that I WILL reach my goals, I have been considering changing my goal weight from 165 to 145….I dont wanna push it lol But a girl can day dream right!

But ya I am totally appreciating my body now,  I feel like I am really creating a real relationship with my outer shell I mean I can feel bones that I have not felt, or expected to feel, in Years, new muscles too, oh ya!!!…..I can paint my toenails with ease, no more holding my breath lol! Ummmm hair removal is no longer a blind process, if you know what I mean, lmao! Sex, wow, sex is just getting better and better, no more rolls of blubber getting in the way And it helps to not have to be so very self conscious, wow that sexy and free feeling, I LOVE it!!!

And I love working out, getting up on my bike is not a chore, its my special me time! I love to sweat now, and jumping jacks, push ups, crunches, they are all more like privileges that I Get to do, instead of being unable to do! Feeling your muscles working under your skin, is just so awesome. I love that feeling when you are sweating, your heart is pumping, your blood is flowing and you are Alive!!!! Oh ya no more taking this body for granted!!!

I LOVE my WILDCATS!!!!!!

Without my awesome team, each day would be a true struggle! I feel so lucky to be able to be apart of such an awesome group of beautiful, strong, and super amazing women!!! Everyday I cant wait to get on the forums and read my Cats blogs. Thank you guys for rockin’ as good as you do and just being your beautiful, sexy, awesome selves!!!!!

So Buddies, smile with me

Breath in deeply, feel your body, you are Alive!!!

Each and every day is special, a new chance to do things right, a new start to a new you! Remember that we are on this journey together, with all these awesome Buddies, none of us are ever alone!
We can do this, we are going to reach our goals!!!!
(((Hugz))) to all my awesome Buddies
Peace Always!

♥Leah♥