leahmarie

Getting Myself back

And I am feeling better, well on that level…..more good news, I got on a pair of size 10s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am wearing them right now a little tight, but I got them on and I did NOT have to do the lieing down on the bed and flopping around thing hehe!! Size 10s, I havent gotten this size on for like 10 years!!! So my inspiration is coming back to me, even though I was down and out, I stuck with my program. And this week it looks like I will be seeing new numbers on that scale! WOOOOT!!!

So ya I fell emotionally, it happens, on one level it lets me know that I am still hum,an lol But picking yourself up off the floor only makes you stronger, like an emotional push up. This journey is one that is full of self discovery, cleaning the skeletons out of your proverbial mind closet, facing your demons, its all part of the journey….if we can make it through the abyss of our own self, we can become a more stronger person……we can achieve our goals, one baby step at a time, is still getting you there! I am still learning and growing, I think I will always be learning, growing and changing until the day I die

On a physical level, I am not doing so good, I get to go to yet another specialist, now on top of my PTC condition, there is a problem with my sinuses, so on top of the pressure headaches I have every day, I have sinus headaches, double whammy, yay for me….ggggrrrr……the neurologist didnt explain to me what was going on she just referred me to the ear nose and throat guy, I did not ask her for more info because she seemed to be choking constantly and could barely talk, poor old gal.

So buddies, I am here still, I am around, I am not on nearly as much as I would love to be, but if you need me I am just a buddy mail away I still think of you all each and every day and I am going to try to be on more for you! Thank you all for just being you, thank you for all the notes, the inspiration and the love, I feel the love!!

So I am sending you all hugs and love,  we can do this, even if its just one baby step at a time, one small achievement can be like a tiny snow ball rolling down a mountain, lets get rollin’!
Love and Peace!
Leah♥

I feel…that’s just it, I FEEL…this is almost like realizing I am waking up after a winters long sleep….feeling again is like opening your eyes to the bright morning sun, and I am adjusting….I am emerging….

For so long I slept in a world where I had barred my feelings away from myself, ones around me, the whole world, easier to deal with that way ya know….I guess for every feeling I imprisoned away, it stored itself in the pounds I gained…..never really gone, the only way to get rid of it was work it out of hiding, face it and free it from my binds….I never realized that I was keeping it there to torment myself…I never knew how far this step would actually take me in my development….

I always was seeking for something to fill the void I created inside myself, maybe I didnt create it by myself, for we are all products of our environment, as a child growing up in this world of unsure possibilities, I picked up my characteristics as I went, examples layed down by supreme beings like the parents, some being forced into my life unwanted, even scary, others picked up to help deal with the trash left behind by the inconsiderate….cover up the void any way you want, it may look good for awhile but one day your going to fall through, and that’s the day where you can either finally take the time to heal this void, or choose to pick up a rug and cover it up again….
I am on a non-stop journey to finally heal the void, fix myself inside and I know with out a doubt that the outside shell will follow. Oh to feel like a complete being again, the day I hit that goal there will be no turning back, all that will be left is to just BE, and that’s what I am going to do, finally be Me

In no way am I thinking its going to be an easy quick, blink of the eye and snap of the finger, its a journey, it is THE journey, the one I have been on my whole life, at least I am on the right road now, some how making my way back after taking so many unplanned exits and fantastical short cuts that ends in tragedy….. sure I could sit and beat myself up for being so ignorant, and that is what I did for so long and it got me no where, like sitting on the side of the road will usually do, OR, or I can say well at least I learned Something from my mistakes, pick myself up, dust off the crap and started out again, now with some kind of knowledge gained.

We are learning and growing always, it is what you do with the information, knowledge that you gain that is so very important……how are you going to shape your life, yourself, your future….I for one, am finally strong enough to say that I am ready to shape myself into the person I always wanted to be, the real Me….. and I am finally ready to kick this old fake costume I have been wearing for too many years, its been so heavy, so cumbersome…..
Shake your costume, be true to yourself always…..let love spread through you like wild fire, the first step to freedom is Love, that unconditional love we all seek, we need to give it ourselves first, so we can learn how to truly give it to others, think what a wonderful world that would make

Peace Always,
Leah Marie ♥

Veiw More Art~ My Art Portfolio

Hi Buddies! I am in the mood to blog about  a topic that I just cant stop thinking about, I want to get this out and share

*Missing You* by Leah Marie

I started this journey think about only losing weight, and I am finding that it is about so much more….I started asking myself, “Who are you….really?”. May sound kind of funny at first, but it is really an important question. Who are you? Really? At first we ramble off the obvious….but when you really think about it, its goes so much deeper than just the surface. Who are you, do you remember who you were as a child, as a teenager,  do you remember that you are still you and that you are apart of everything you have ever been…

It seems somewhere along the way I have detached myself, I got caught up in all that was around me and forgot about myself….As women we spend so much time thinking about everyone else, our partners, our children, our friends, our employers and colleagues,….it seems not many of us  get much Me time…slowly time seems to cover up where we came from…..

For me I finally am realizing I am Me, and I am finding a sense of Independent Individuality….I forgot that I have thoughts, wants, dreams, hopes, passions, desires all that are my own, that come from within me, and I think I need to start giving myself back to Myself.

I think I use to use food to fill a void that I didnt know how to fill, then I stayed in my bubble, not wanting to take responsibility for myself, my life, or even my body…..I forgot about myself, letting the role of mother, wife, caregiver take over, maybe it was easier that way for me, easier to take care of others and look away from my own issues, just easier to not have to be accountable for what I was doing to myself, physically and mentall, even spiritually….because when you start asking yourself these questions, either you have to be honest with yourself or you just arent, and when we are not honest with Ourselves it seems that we lose touch, we look away, we use life to cover up the empty feelings, the void that lingers…and for a time it may seem like its working, but then one day and you look and nothing has really changed, you are still using things like food, work, life to cover up that emptiness….

When you want for change to happen so bad, we have to start looking within to find the answers….. and we have to remember, do you remember what it was like to be a young child, remember when you could find magic in the world, in life, do remember when you had dreams, do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up, do you remember what your first kiss felt like and the whole wonder of it all…..do you remember being a teen, strugling to find your independence, did you get that independence or did life just change around you…

Are you who you want to be, that is my question for myself…..and my honest answer is, I dont know…..I know that I am finding aspects of myself that I do like, I am finding that there is much more I want to be, and I have started working to get rid of the parts that I cant stand any more….this is where it is all about Honesty, either I be honest all the way, or its just a waste of time, I dont want to be stuck any more, its time for truth, growth, my spirit wants to be free, I want to be Me….

So call it, soul searching, call it maturity, call it a side effect of having a concious ego….what ever you call it, there comes a time in our lives where we Have to start loving ourselves, nurturing our selves, mind body, spirit….so we can grow and become the person within, the true You, the True Me….There comes a time when we have to love ourselves enough to realize It is OK to be Me….

So who are you, are you who you want to be? Do you have time for yourself to become Yourself……look deep within, is it time to let your spirit free…..let love guide your journey, because with out Love, then what are we living for….

I started this journey thinking about only losing some weight, and I am finding so much more, I am finding Myself, the Leah that was once a little girl who wondered at the magic of all that was seen and unseen, I am that 14 year old trying to find my way to become a woman, well I am just now opening that door….

So cheers my friends, this life is beautiful, wonderful, amazing…..no more letting it just pass us by….reach out and grab the moment, for a moment can be eternity….

Peace Always,

♥Leah Marie♥

BMI	Weight Status
Below 18.5	Underweight
18.5—24.9	Normal
25.0—29.9	Overweight
30.0 and Above	Obese

I am No longer Obese!!!! Now I am just Overweight and I can hang with that, because its not going to last for long!! I started this with a BMI of 41.7, ahhhhhhh! Now its 29.8 and I plan on keeping it droppin’ until I am  in the ‘normal’range woot!

I am just so happy right now, I have been wanting to get that BMI number under 30 for sooooo long I am just going to keep sticking with it, because it pays off!

Right now my muscles are a little on the sore side. I have been workin my core out the past two weeks and I measured my waist this morning, 35 inches!!!! I started this somewhere around the 46 inches area, I dont really measure much else but I know that I am loosing inches everywhere, in my arms too, Thanks for the Push up advice Nancy!!! And I am sure the long 45+ minute sexercise work outs have been helping a lot too, thanx hubby

But feeling my muscles being a little sore is making me feel so alive, its a good feeling to know that I can and will be the hot fit mama I wanna be!

And the hubz! Oh some of you may remember me blogging about his back and how he could barely walk or stand up straight….well he is standing up straight and walking and getting himself back into tip top shape, he has been working out too and its paying off for him, I am so proud of him!

Lets make this summer full of goals won and dreams coming true!!!

Shout out to my cats, I love you guys!
Peace Always,

Leah♥

Since my Nancy was brave enough to show us hers, I figured I would share mine….These were hidden away in a box, I only stumbled on them looking for more books to read…So here we go, here is me in ‘04, I was 5 months prego in this pic, but I only gained 3 pounds during the whole pregnancy with my daughter.

And here is me in ‘05, this was at one of my biggest points….omg I cant believe Iam showing you guys this LOL!!!

Talk about Ms Piggy, that was what I always called myself back then lol…….

Ok now for the recent ones, these make me feel better lol!!!

( those pants are size 15s  woot woot! )

Still got work to do, gotta get rid of that tummy, tone those arms too!!!

I got goals and I am gunna reach ‘em!!!

I could not have come this far with out my Buddies….I LOVE you guys!!!!!
If I can do this, anyone can…so smile, we are on this journey Together!!!

Cheers to Us and our Bright, Healthy Futures!

Peace & Hugz,

♥ Leah ♥

Its May 8th, the sun is just now peaking over the desert mountains that surround my little town….I just woke up , realizing it was weigh in day, I jumped outa bed and stumbled to the bathroom, nope this cant wait, I have been working so hard, I just have to see!!! I slowly step on the scale, rolling my eyes at the fading ridicules from the past, you know the ones that taunt you when you step on the scale…..it seems like it spins for a longer moment then usual, the line comes to a stop at 198, No Way! But I was 200 even the day before…so I step offf the scale, let it rest back on 0, get back on it, 198….ok I am dreaming….one more time, still 198…..I made it, I made it to Onederland!!!!!  Hubby asks as I emerge from the bath room with a huge smile on my face, “So how was it?” and I told him and he congratulated me and hugged me, letting me know how proud of me he is…..So get up buddies do a happy dance with me!!!

This was something I thought was Impossible just months ago, and here I am, here I sit telling all my buddies! You see guys I have never been a high achiever in any department, will power, HA,  I had no clue!! But I changed, I found a reason to do this, myself, my own happiness….a journey of this scale can only come from a drive to be happy, For You, Yourself only…you cant do this for anyone one else, my lovelies….So Please always remember~

Oh I am just so happy, life is really what we make it, lets make it the best we can!

Needless to say, I am going to treat myself to a little shopping! Thanks to Mr Obama, I am waiting on a little check this month, and then its off to the store to find the perfect pair of size 14s, a nice shirt, new pantie and a new sexy bra, I think I deserve it

My man was so sweet to me this morning, before I even got out of bed he told me I was beautiful, How Sweet was That!! And then he gave me a hug in the kitchen, and was grabbing my ass,and saying look how far I can reach around you, and then he said something that made me wanna cry,’This reminds me of when you were younger, before we had kids’….oh he melts ,my heart sometimes…..

 

 So cheers my friends!!!!   Heres to us, to us being Happy, to great Buddies and awesome achievements…to never being alone because we have each other!!!

Today is our day, the sun shines, the birds sing and we can breath, we are alive, lets grab life by the horns my Buddies….Life is beautiful…

Remember always that I am here for all my Buddies, for all who need a helping hand, grab mine!
Sending Peace and Hugz, I love you guys, I love this site…together we can achieve anything!!

((Hugz))
Leah♥

 

Wow….201, a weight I never could imagine being again…and now looking back, How did I ever let myself get that big!!! I was 274 and then some…..I have such a new respect for my body, and I feel so ver guilty I let it get so big and so out of control….I mean yes I am sooooooo, so, sooooooo very happy I am getting rid of this weight, every time I get on that scale I am so proud of the work out machine I am creating, but on the other hand, my POOR body!!! I have extra skin everywhere (look at my progress pic, look at my arms, uhhhggg), and stretch marks and a few spider viens too, Body I am So Very Sorry I was so ignorent, so oblivious to the damage I was causing you! Nope never again will I treat my poor body like that! From here and forever, I will treat myself like the goddess I am So promise me now, my Buddies, that you will do the same, treat yourself, your body and your spirit like the truly beautiful, strong Goddess you really are!

Wow, what a journey these last few months have bee, I have been doing more soul searching and more finding myself that I hid deep inside. But I can say, now more than ever, that I WILL reach my goals, I have been considering changing my goal weight from 165 to 145….I dont wanna push it lol But a girl can day dream right!

But ya I am totally appreciating my body now,  I feel like I am really creating a real relationship with my outer shell I mean I can feel bones that I have not felt, or expected to feel, in Years, new muscles too, oh ya!!!…..I can paint my toenails with ease, no more holding my breath lol! Ummmm hair removal is no longer a blind process, if you know what I mean, lmao! Sex, wow, sex is just getting better and better, no more rolls of blubber getting in the way And it helps to not have to be so very self conscious, wow that sexy and free feeling, I LOVE it!!!

And I love working out, getting up on my bike is not a chore, its my special me time! I love to sweat now, and jumping jacks, push ups, crunches, they are all more like privileges that I Get to do, instead of being unable to do! Feeling your muscles working under your skin, is just so awesome. I love that feeling when you are sweating, your heart is pumping, your blood is flowing and you are Alive!!!! Oh ya no more taking this body for granted!!!

I LOVE my WILDCATS!!!!!!

Without my awesome team, each day would be a true struggle! I feel so lucky to be able to be apart of such an awesome group of beautiful, strong, and super amazing women!!! Everyday I cant wait to get on the forums and read my Cats blogs. Thank you guys for rockin’ as good as you do and just being your beautiful, sexy, awesome selves!!!!!

So Buddies, smile with me

Breath in deeply, feel your body, you are Alive!!!

Each and every day is special, a new chance to do things right, a new start to a new you! Remember that we are on this journey together, with all these awesome Buddies, none of us are ever alone!
We can do this, we are going to reach our goals!!!!
(((Hugz))) to all my awesome Buddies
Peace Always!

♥Leah♥

Well hello my oh so Special and Beautiful Buddies!!!! Happy Easter, I hope you all have a nice visit from the Easter Bunny, and hopefully he isnt to evil to you, by bringing too much chocolate with him!

Ahhhh I am just so freaking excited, I mean, WoW, OnederLand is just right in front of my face!!!! I mean I just CANT BELIEVE IT!!!!!! I spent so many years just under 300 pounds, this was something I figured would just be completely and utterly Impossible…… but here I am, facing it, pinching myself along the way, just to make sure I am really awake…I walk by a mirror and have to do a double take to make sure that is me, almost sounds concieted I know, but I am still kind of in a shock. And I am oh so very Focused on my goals now, I mean seriously focused!The kind of focus that forces you to have will power, the kind of will power I thought was only in happily ever after stories. now I get to look forward to my own!

Most of my days for the last month as I look through my food journal, most of the days my cal’ intake barely hits 1400, with an average of 1200…and now its like a lifestyle for me, I dont find myself in silent battles with the kitchen and it contents. like I did at the beginning of this journey. No more being conquered by my own depression and then spiraling into a self induced pit of hell…I feel like as I have shed the pounds, I have shed my outer shell and the real me is stepping out, the me that loves the way the old me wished she could, the new me that smiles for real and not just for show, the real me that is Happy with herself instead of disgusted and full of self loathing. This journey is an amazing one, at first it was really hard for me, hard to break away from the lifestyle that kept me trapt in darkness, but deep inside us all is that part that screams to be let out, to be happy and to love, I let her out. If you feel like anything that I have, set yourself free, only you can let yourself out!

One of the things that has helped so much, that I tell myself a lot, I wanted to share with you, just incase it will help any of you like it did me….I tell myself~

‘You wouldnt shove junk food and crap down your kid’s throat until they were fat and then beat them up verbally and emotionally, no you would never do that! You would never do that to anyone you love, not your special pets, not your friends (well maybe one or two of your friends, hehe just kidding) So why would you ever do it to yourself!”

I was so tired of beating myself up, feeling down and bad about everything I did, never feeling good enough for anyone or anything. Break out of that self imposed prison! I dont need it, you dont need it….we need love and it starts inside and then radiates through all of your life like the rays of the warm sun!

This year is our year my Beautiful Buddies!!! Our year to grab on to our lives, live life to the fullest, keep on living, loving and dreaming!!!

Cheers to you, to us and to OnederLand!!!!!

Peace, Hugz and Dreams,

♥~Leah~♥

My Web Site~http://www.geocities.com/midnight_dreamer_studio/midnightdreamerstudio.html

Food Log

Exercise Log

Just felt like getting on here and jotting down all that I have been inspiring myself with lately

My Reasons why I love Exercise….

*You get to move that body and realize you ARE Alive!

*You get to feel the burn and see the sweat and you know you are Accomplishing something!

* It elevates your mood and helps get rid of depression.

* It gives you more energy, you better believe it!

* It slaps TOM in the face and helps with cramps.

*It helps you sleep better at night.

* It BURNS CALORIES!!!!

*It brings your confidence back every day you move your body.

*It gives you some valuable ME time.

*It makes sex better, longer, and funner… oh ya!

*The more you do the more you can do, no more being out of breathe because of a few stairs.

*It is one of the most valuable steps to a healthy life style.

*It helps with stress, big time!

All that is enough to get me up and moving my body! Getting that blood pumping really brings your whole body back to life, after spending so many years as a stay at home mom/coach potato/computer junky , this exercising every day has really got me changing my life for the better! I feel lazy if I only I get in one 45 minute work out a day!

Here are some of my own tips I live by when it comes to food and portion control

*Always use a smaller plate, you can only put so much on those small tea cup plates

*Fill up your plate with veggies first.

*For all you salsa lovers, replace salad dressings with salsa.

*Switch out ground beef for ground turkey, its easier for the body to digest.

*Learning portion control is waaaaayyyyyy cheaper than any lap band/bypass surgery.

*Water, water, water…

*If you dont know whats in it, do NOT eat it!

*Fresh and real is way better than imitation and processed.

*When Shopping, Skip pass the junk food/ice cream isles singing ‘La La La I cant hear you calling my name’

*If its not in your house, you dont have to worry about it.

*Anything you can put in a sandwich, tortilla, or pita goes great on a salad!

*Less going in the mouth equals more pounds going off my ass.

These rules work for me, glad I got them down so I cant ever forget them! Hope you can take a few and add them to your lists! Now one thing I see a lot of wonderful buddies doing on here is making a list of why they wanna lose weight, I figure since I am doing up some lists today I will add that one too, it is so great to keep around a reminder of what you are doing and why

*I want to gain control of my body, health and life.

*I want to remember who ME is.

*I dont want to become another fat girl statistic.

*I dont want to be the fat Mom other kids laugh at my kids for.

*I want to feel young again, I am tired of feeling old when I am only 26!

*I want to be on top of my health issues and maybe even make them disapear.

*I want to look as SEXY as I feel inside.

*I dont want to be ashamed to be naked in front of my Hubby anymore.

*I want to feel more comfortable making love to my man.

*I wanna dance and move like I did when I was a teen.

*I want to set a healthy example for my kids, especially my little girl.

*I want to fit into my smallest pants.

*I want my self confidence back!

*I want to be true to myself.

*So I can be my own success story.

*To be my own inspiration and motivation to accomplish all my dreams.

*To prove to myself that I have the Power to change my Life.

So Buddies, always remember why you are here and where it is you want to go! We can do this, all we have to do is believe in ourselves, believe in our futures, we all deserve to be happy, to be happy with ourselves and with our lives!

Love your self every step of the way, this journey isnt a punishment for bad choices, this is  journey is our rode to a brighter and happier future!

I am so glad to be here, I see the changes in myself already, I havent only lost a few pounds, I got rid of the darkness that has hung over me for years!

Hand in Hand we can do this, we can brake down the barriers that are keeping us from our own much deserved happiness, we can reach our gfoals and dance in the shower of our victories!

Look what you guys made me do, I told myself I wouldnt get all sappy, and I did anyway, I cant help myself, you guys mean so much to me!

Peace Always,

Leah♥

For the first time ever I have been doing it, sticking to healthy eating habits and working out every day! I used to think I did not have an ounce of will power in me, but wow, I have totally blown myself away with how well I have been doing, but I can NOT take any spot light because, there is no way I could have done this good with out ALL of YOU!!!!

Every time  I started a ‘diet’ or ‘change’ I always gave up withn the first week…ya pretty sad, but I had no motivation or inspiration or anyone around me going through the same problems….but here I see I am not alone, I see it CAN be done, and now I know with out even a shadow of a doubt that I can do this!!! And believe me if I can feel this way, so can you! You have no idea how bad I used to feel about myself, depression around every corner, I used to really want to do myself in, suicide is so wrong, but I thought about it every day……But  I guess I have seen some kind of ‘Light’…now I am not religious, I can not commit to any organized religion (hopefully none of you mind that about my nature) I believe that anything is possible because our Universe is so vast, so beautiful, so amazing, and we are all apart of it!

I want to share this video with you all, it has changed my life, it still brings tears to my eyes to know that we are here~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcBV-cXVWFw

Ok getting back on my original topic, Tomorrow is weigh in day, now I am so freakin* excited to weigh in and change my weight tracker…I have been sneaking on the scale every day this week and watching it go down, so I cant wait to show you all!

Mother Nature will be visiting me soon, not looking forward to that, but ever since I got the IUD my periods are only 3 days, so I can deal with them a whole lot better than before, so I love my IUD, anyone out there considering birth control, I say talk to your doc about getting one, they last for 5 years, and you dont have to bother taking a pill or anything with terrible side effects.

Alrighty all you Beautiful people, I am off to get in an hour of house cleaning, woohoo

Stay True to yourself, and just know that we can do ths, and we can do it together….

Thank You for Being You!
Peace Always,

Leah♥

Food Log

Exercise Log