leahmarie

Getting Myself back

And I am feeling better, well on that level…..more good news, I got on a pair of size 10s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am wearing them right now a little tight, but I got them on and I did NOT have to do the lieing down on the bed and flopping around thing hehe!! Size 10s, I havent gotten this size on for like 10 years!!! So my inspiration is coming back to me, even though I was down and out, I stuck with my program. And this week it looks like I will be seeing new numbers on that scale! WOOOOT!!!

So ya I fell emotionally, it happens, on one level it lets me know that I am still hum,an lol But picking yourself up off the floor only makes you stronger, like an emotional push up. This journey is one that is full of self discovery, cleaning the skeletons out of your proverbial mind closet, facing your demons, its all part of the journey….if we can make it through the abyss of our own self, we can become a more stronger person……we can achieve our goals, one baby step at a time, is still getting you there! I am still learning and growing, I think I will always be learning, growing and changing until the day I die

On a physical level, I am not doing so good, I get to go to yet another specialist, now on top of my PTC condition, there is a problem with my sinuses, so on top of the pressure headaches I have every day, I have sinus headaches, double whammy, yay for me….ggggrrrr……the neurologist didnt explain to me what was going on she just referred me to the ear nose and throat guy, I did not ask her for more info because she seemed to be choking constantly and could barely talk, poor old gal.

So buddies, I am here still, I am around, I am not on nearly as much as I would love to be, but if you need me I am just a buddy mail away I still think of you all each and every day and I am going to try to be on more for you! Thank you all for just being you, thank you for all the notes, the inspiration and the love, I feel the love!!

So I am sending you all hugs and love,  we can do this, even if its just one baby step at a time, one small achievement can be like a tiny snow ball rolling down a mountain, lets get rollin’!
Love and Peace!
Leah♥

I feel…that’s just it, I FEEL…this is almost like realizing I am waking up after a winters long sleep….feeling again is like opening your eyes to the bright morning sun, and I am adjusting….I am emerging….

For so long I slept in a world where I had barred my feelings away from myself, ones around me, the whole world, easier to deal with that way ya know….I guess for every feeling I imprisoned away, it stored itself in the pounds I gained…..never really gone, the only way to get rid of it was work it out of hiding, face it and free it from my binds….I never realized that I was keeping it there to torment myself…I never knew how far this step would actually take me in my development….

I always was seeking for something to fill the void I created inside myself, maybe I didnt create it by myself, for we are all products of our environment, as a child growing up in this world of unsure possibilities, I picked up my characteristics as I went, examples layed down by supreme beings like the parents, some being forced into my life unwanted, even scary, others picked up to help deal with the trash left behind by the inconsiderate….cover up the void any way you want, it may look good for awhile but one day your going to fall through, and that’s the day where you can either finally take the time to heal this void, or choose to pick up a rug and cover it up again….
I am on a non-stop journey to finally heal the void, fix myself inside and I know with out a doubt that the outside shell will follow. Oh to feel like a complete being again, the day I hit that goal there will be no turning back, all that will be left is to just BE, and that’s what I am going to do, finally be Me

In no way am I thinking its going to be an easy quick, blink of the eye and snap of the finger, its a journey, it is THE journey, the one I have been on my whole life, at least I am on the right road now, some how making my way back after taking so many unplanned exits and fantastical short cuts that ends in tragedy….. sure I could sit and beat myself up for being so ignorant, and that is what I did for so long and it got me no where, like sitting on the side of the road will usually do, OR, or I can say well at least I learned Something from my mistakes, pick myself up, dust off the crap and started out again, now with some kind of knowledge gained.

We are learning and growing always, it is what you do with the information, knowledge that you gain that is so very important……how are you going to shape your life, yourself, your future….I for one, am finally strong enough to say that I am ready to shape myself into the person I always wanted to be, the real Me….. and I am finally ready to kick this old fake costume I have been wearing for too many years, its been so heavy, so cumbersome…..
Shake your costume, be true to yourself always…..let love spread through you like wild fire, the first step to freedom is Love, that unconditional love we all seek, we need to give it ourselves first, so we can learn how to truly give it to others, think what a wonderful world that would make

Peace Always,
Leah Marie ♥

Veiw More Art~ My Art Portfolio

Hi Buddies! I am in the mood to blog about  a topic that I just cant stop thinking about, I want to get this out and share

*Missing You* by Leah Marie

I started this journey think about only losing weight, and I am finding that it is about so much more….I started asking myself, “Who are you….really?”. May sound kind of funny at first, but it is really an important question. Who are you? Really? At first we ramble off the obvious….but when you really think about it, its goes so much deeper than just the surface. Who are you, do you remember who you were as a child, as a teenager,  do you remember that you are still you and that you are apart of everything you have ever been…

It seems somewhere along the way I have detached myself, I got caught up in all that was around me and forgot about myself….As women we spend so much time thinking about everyone else, our partners, our children, our friends, our employers and colleagues,….it seems not many of us  get much Me time…slowly time seems to cover up where we came from…..

For me I finally am realizing I am Me, and I am finding a sense of Independent Individuality….I forgot that I have thoughts, wants, dreams, hopes, passions, desires all that are my own, that come from within me, and I think I need to start giving myself back to Myself.

I think I use to use food to fill a void that I didnt know how to fill, then I stayed in my bubble, not wanting to take responsibility for myself, my life, or even my body…..I forgot about myself, letting the role of mother, wife, caregiver take over, maybe it was easier that way for me, easier to take care of others and look away from my own issues, just easier to not have to be accountable for what I was doing to myself, physically and mentall, even spiritually….because when you start asking yourself these questions, either you have to be honest with yourself or you just arent, and when we are not honest with Ourselves it seems that we lose touch, we look away, we use life to cover up the empty feelings, the void that lingers…and for a time it may seem like its working, but then one day and you look and nothing has really changed, you are still using things like food, work, life to cover up that emptiness….

When you want for change to happen so bad, we have to start looking within to find the answers….. and we have to remember, do you remember what it was like to be a young child, remember when you could find magic in the world, in life, do remember when you had dreams, do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up, do you remember what your first kiss felt like and the whole wonder of it all…..do you remember being a teen, strugling to find your independence, did you get that independence or did life just change around you…

Are you who you want to be, that is my question for myself…..and my honest answer is, I dont know…..I know that I am finding aspects of myself that I do like, I am finding that there is much more I want to be, and I have started working to get rid of the parts that I cant stand any more….this is where it is all about Honesty, either I be honest all the way, or its just a waste of time, I dont want to be stuck any more, its time for truth, growth, my spirit wants to be free, I want to be Me….

So call it, soul searching, call it maturity, call it a side effect of having a concious ego….what ever you call it, there comes a time in our lives where we Have to start loving ourselves, nurturing our selves, mind body, spirit….so we can grow and become the person within, the true You, the True Me….There comes a time when we have to love ourselves enough to realize It is OK to be Me….

So who are you, are you who you want to be? Do you have time for yourself to become Yourself……look deep within, is it time to let your spirit free…..let love guide your journey, because with out Love, then what are we living for….

I started this journey thinking about only losing some weight, and I am finding so much more, I am finding Myself, the Leah that was once a little girl who wondered at the magic of all that was seen and unseen, I am that 14 year old trying to find my way to become a woman, well I am just now opening that door….

So cheers my friends, this life is beautiful, wonderful, amazing…..no more letting it just pass us by….reach out and grab the moment, for a moment can be eternity….

Peace Always,

♥Leah Marie♥

BMI	Weight Status
Below 18.5	Underweight
18.5—24.9	Normal
25.0—29.9	Overweight
30.0 and Above	Obese

I am No longer Obese!!!! Now I am just Overweight and I can hang with that, because its not going to last for long!! I started this with a BMI of 41.7, ahhhhhhh! Now its 29.8 and I plan on keeping it droppin’ until I am  in the ‘normal’range woot!

I am just so happy right now, I have been wanting to get that BMI number under 30 for sooooo long I am just going to keep sticking with it, because it pays off!

Right now my muscles are a little on the sore side. I have been workin my core out the past two weeks and I measured my waist this morning, 35 inches!!!! I started this somewhere around the 46 inches area, I dont really measure much else but I know that I am loosing inches everywhere, in my arms too, Thanks for the Push up advice Nancy!!! And I am sure the long 45+ minute sexercise work outs have been helping a lot too, thanx hubby

But feeling my muscles being a little sore is making me feel so alive, its a good feeling to know that I can and will be the hot fit mama I wanna be!

And the hubz! Oh some of you may remember me blogging about his back and how he could barely walk or stand up straight….well he is standing up straight and walking and getting himself back into tip top shape, he has been working out too and its paying off for him, I am so proud of him!

Lets make this summer full of goals won and dreams coming true!!!

Shout out to my cats, I love you guys!
Peace Always,

Leah♥

Wow, this is like so amazing, today I went to Waly World, found a pair of size 14 (petite) jeans on the clearance rack for $5, what a deal, even better they rang up $3 at check out, I love that! I figured they would be my next goal jeans, I mean they are 14s!

So I got home and figured lets see how much more I gotta loose to fit into these suckers…pulling them on, they went over my hips, woot, now for the buttoning, well they button yes with room to Breath!!!! Now I started this journey is a size 24……a 24! Now I am fitting into 14s…whats next can I really hit 12s and then by the grace of the universe will i hit 10s….oh ya baby!!!!!

We can do this!!!!!!

I love you guys!!!

Since my Nancy was brave enough to show us hers, I figured I would share mine….These were hidden away in a box, I only stumbled on them looking for more books to read…So here we go, here is me in ‘04, I was 5 months prego in this pic, but I only gained 3 pounds during the whole pregnancy with my daughter.

And here is me in ‘05, this was at one of my biggest points….omg I cant believe Iam showing you guys this LOL!!!

Talk about Ms Piggy, that was what I always called myself back then lol…….

Ok now for the recent ones, these make me feel better lol!!!

( those pants are size 15s  woot woot! )

Still got work to do, gotta get rid of that tummy, tone those arms too!!!

I got goals and I am gunna reach ‘em!!!

I could not have come this far with out my Buddies….I LOVE you guys!!!!!
If I can do this, anyone can…so smile, we are on this journey Together!!!

Cheers to Us and our Bright, Healthy Futures!

Peace & Hugz,

♥ Leah ♥

Its May 8th, the sun is just now peaking over the desert mountains that surround my little town….I just woke up , realizing it was weigh in day, I jumped outa bed and stumbled to the bathroom, nope this cant wait, I have been working so hard, I just have to see!!! I slowly step on the scale, rolling my eyes at the fading ridicules from the past, you know the ones that taunt you when you step on the scale…..it seems like it spins for a longer moment then usual, the line comes to a stop at 198, No Way! But I was 200 even the day before…so I step offf the scale, let it rest back on 0, get back on it, 198….ok I am dreaming….one more time, still 198…..I made it, I made it to Onederland!!!!!  Hubby asks as I emerge from the bath room with a huge smile on my face, “So how was it?” and I told him and he congratulated me and hugged me, letting me know how proud of me he is…..So get up buddies do a happy dance with me!!!

This was something I thought was Impossible just months ago, and here I am, here I sit telling all my buddies! You see guys I have never been a high achiever in any department, will power, HA,  I had no clue!! But I changed, I found a reason to do this, myself, my own happiness….a journey of this scale can only come from a drive to be happy, For You, Yourself only…you cant do this for anyone one else, my lovelies….So Please always remember~

Oh I am just so happy, life is really what we make it, lets make it the best we can!

Needless to say, I am going to treat myself to a little shopping! Thanks to Mr Obama, I am waiting on a little check this month, and then its off to the store to find the perfect pair of size 14s, a nice shirt, new pantie and a new sexy bra, I think I deserve it

My man was so sweet to me this morning, before I even got out of bed he told me I was beautiful, How Sweet was That!! And then he gave me a hug in the kitchen, and was grabbing my ass,and saying look how far I can reach around you, and then he said something that made me wanna cry,’This reminds me of when you were younger, before we had kids’….oh he melts ,my heart sometimes…..

 So cheers my friends!!!!   Heres to us, to us being Happy, to great Buddies and awesome achievements…to never being alone because we have each other!!!

Today is our day, the sun shines, the birds sing and we can breath, we are alive, lets grab life by the horns my Buddies….Life is beautiful…

Remember always that I am here for all my Buddies, for all who need a helping hand, grab mine!
Sending Peace and Hugz, I love you guys, I love this site…together we can achieve anything!!

((Hugz))
Leah♥

Wow….201, a weight I never could imagine being again…and now looking back, How did I ever let myself get that big!!! I was 274 and then some…..I have such a new respect for my body, and I feel so ver guilty I let it get so big and so out of control….I mean yes I am sooooooo, so, sooooooo very happy I am getting rid of this weight, every time I get on that scale I am so proud of the work out machine I am creating, but on the other hand, my POOR body!!! I have extra skin everywhere (look at my progress pic, look at my arms, uhhhggg), and stretch marks and a few spider viens too, Body I am So Very Sorry I was so ignorent, so oblivious to the damage I was causing you! Nope never again will I treat my poor body like that! From here and forever, I will treat myself like the goddess I am So promise me now, my Buddies, that you will do the same, treat yourself, your body and your spirit like the truly beautiful, strong Goddess you really are!

Wow, what a journey these last few months have bee, I have been doing more soul searching and more finding myself that I hid deep inside. But I can say, now more than ever, that I WILL reach my goals, I have been considering changing my goal weight from 165 to 145….I dont wanna push it lol But a girl can day dream right!

But ya I am totally appreciating my body now,  I feel like I am really creating a real relationship with my outer shell I mean I can feel bones that I have not felt, or expected to feel, in Years, new muscles too, oh ya!!!…..I can paint my toenails with ease, no more holding my breath lol! Ummmm hair removal is no longer a blind process, if you know what I mean, lmao! Sex, wow, sex is just getting better and better, no more rolls of blubber getting in the way And it helps to not have to be so very self conscious, wow that sexy and free feeling, I LOVE it!!!

And I love working out, getting up on my bike is not a chore, its my special me time! I love to sweat now, and jumping jacks, push ups, crunches, they are all more like privileges that I Get to do, instead of being unable to do! Feeling your muscles working under your skin, is just so awesome. I love that feeling when you are sweating, your heart is pumping, your blood is flowing and you are Alive!!!! Oh ya no more taking this body for granted!!!

I LOVE my WILDCATS!!!!!!

Without my awesome team, each day would be a true struggle! I feel so lucky to be able to be apart of such an awesome group of beautiful, strong, and super amazing women!!! Everyday I cant wait to get on the forums and read my Cats blogs. Thank you guys for rockin’ as good as you do and just being your beautiful, sexy, awesome selves!!!!!

So Buddies, smile with me

Breath in deeply, feel your body, you are Alive!!!

Each and every day is special, a new chance to do things right, a new start to a new you! Remember that we are on this journey together, with all these awesome Buddies, none of us are ever alone!
We can do this, we are going to reach our goals!!!!
(((Hugz))) to all my awesome Buddies
Peace Always!

♥Leah♥

First I have to start off saying how very sorry I am, I have not been the best buddy lately, hell even my computer is missing me! I have been very busy, yes still sticking with my exercise every day woot!

But seriously this is a very busy time of month for me and on top of that my best friend has been really awesome, coming over all the time to hang out with me as I try to help her, she has a lot on her plate, single mother of two, with a job at the gas station around the corner and she also takes care of her disabled father, all on her small pay check….I feel for her, she is trying so hard to take care of her loved ones, her boy’s dad quit his job so he wouldn’t have to pay child support! So I love making dinner for her kids and mine and I have been spending my time with her, giving her as much support as I can since she is having a really time in life…

Life, it sure can deal all of us a hard hand…but we all continue, we all go on and face every day….I figure its best to be optimistic, when you see a beautiful sunrise it can be so very uplifting, the birds flying in the sky can really give you a sence of hope…..every day is a smile waiting to happen!

So I started on this site on December 19th, its February 1st and I have lost 24 pounds since I joined here, how awesome is that! Tomorrow is February 2nd, and its my Birthday I will be 27 years old, I am looking to having a great time with my friends and family, my brother is coming to spend the night and my friends are coming over for the evening, yes there is going to be drinking and food, I say you know what, I have worked my ass off, literally!, and I deserve to enjoy my B-day, I know for one thing that my tummy cant even hold nearly as much food as it used too, I will still be conscious of my journey and I wont go out of my way to mess things up for myself. This is the first B-day since I was 19, being this weight! I am happy

On another note, I have kicked up my stationary bike routine up to a whole hour, 45 minutes of vigorous, hot and sweaty biking and 15 of moderate biking with 2 pound hand weights. Oh it is awesome, I get 20 miles done in that hour. My friend gave me an MP3 player, I put a whole bunch of my music on it to sweat too, see I am not your normal pop girl, I LOVE Metal, so when I have been riding, I have been trying to keep the pace with my metal, which has a lot of double base, its like a hard core work out hehe….for example, I will give you the link to my hardest work out song, and what makes it hard is when your on the bike and keeping your petaling up with the music, so here is the link of my most sweaty work out song~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oKzughWQ9I

Think of keeping up your petaling to the fastest rythm of the song, any one with a stationary bike wanna give it a try? I know I get so sweaty, I am loving listening to my music while exercising! Oh and I am keeping up in the Crunch-a-thon, which is cool!

Anyway guys, I wanna say sorry for not being as good of a buddy as I really love being, but hopefully things will be slowing down soon and I can get back in the pace of things here on my favorite place to be!

We can so do this guys, keep up the good work, take each day, each pound at a time, the future is nothing but possibilities, reach out and grab yours!
Peace Always,

Leah♥

© Leah Marie Jaarveth Midnight Dreamer Studio

Good Morning all you beautiful Buddies!

Well it truly is a beautiful day outside today,  looking through the window the sun is shining, the birds are singing and the sky is sparkling blue….then you open the door and the desert’s harsh cold winter wind blows straight through your bones! So I am staying in today hehe!

Well miss Mother Nature finally decided to show up, 5 days late, but ya know usually I get cramps about 5 days before her arrival, none this time around…..see there are benefits to sticking to exercising every day! But the other usual side effects of her visit are around, I wanna laugh and I wanna cry and I wanna yell all at the same time, plus some one, any one, pleeeeeaaaassseeee give me some chocolate ice cream!!!!!!

Ok composure returning, slightly, but seriously I want ice cream so bad, but there isnt even an ounce of chocolate in this house (or anything yummy and goowey, darn it!), and I am not walking out in the cold to get any!

Another wonderful development in my life, that runny nose I was hoping would stay a runny nose, ya well it turned into full blown head and chest cold with a sore throat too, ya just super wonderful I know! But I got on that bike this morning, thinking if I just a get a little work out in it will be good, but I went ahead and did a full on hot and sweaty 35 minutes with my 10 minute cool down, part of me was sooooo hoping I would sweat this stupid cold out! But nooooo, its still here, but life goes on……I kept thinking about weigh in tomorrow for my awesome Wildcats and I just had to go through with my normal routine, the numbers on the scale are still getting smaller so man I am still a happy camper even with my body being very anti-Leah today!

On another note it seems as if my old artistic vision is coming back into the light, I wanted to do pet portraits for people and have done a handful, here are some examples~

Well it seems as if I have another pet lover asking for a portrait, woot!  See I am such an animal lover, and I wanted to use my talents to create portraits of other animal lovers special friends. This time around I will be doing an Irish Setter, Molly, she seems to have so much personality, its always a challenge getting the personality on paper, but thats my favorite part of being an artist!

I really want to get my little Studio up and running, I was thinking about getting business cards done up and leaving them in Vets offices and pet salons ect. Do you guys think I have what it takes to be a professional pet portrait artist? I am a firm believer that Pets make life just that much more special

That is a picture of my Beautiful Ariel, dont let her  cute loveable face fool you, she could totally be a member of the Wildcats! She has her loveable pet me side and then her dark evil, scratch the crap out of you side hehe, thats why I love her soooooo much! But she sleeps next to me purrrring her little heart out every night, how special is that!

SO how are all my wonderful buddies doing today, I hope you all are having a beautiful day! I hope that today is a day full of easy choices and lots of pats on the back! I know the next 3 days are NOT going to be easy for me, TOM will be kickin’ it for the next 3 days….talk about unwanted house guests! But so far so good, after lunch I am still only at 538 cals with a lite dinner planned so we are on track, already got down about 62 ozs of wate, now I am sipping my coffee, cant live with out it!

Funny for hanging out with TOM and being sick, I am in a relatively good mood today….Ya know I really think the exercising every day has improved my mood, I know the depression packed its bags and took off! I think taking control of your life and doing what needs to be done is really empowering to the spirit!

So roll up those sleaves and take back whats yours my friends, first grab that spirit of yours with both hands and give it a big ole hug, then wrap those arms around yourself, its your body, love it, no more abusing it! Let Peace rule, ya I am such a huge hippie at heart!

Always!

Leah♥