leahmarie

Getting Myself back

And I am feeling better, well on that level…..more good news, I got on a pair of size 10s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am wearing them right now a little tight, but I got them on and I did NOT have to do the lieing down on the bed and flopping around thing hehe!! Size 10s, I havent gotten this size on for like 10 years!!! So my inspiration is coming back to me, even though I was down and out, I stuck with my program. And this week it looks like I will be seeing new numbers on that scale! WOOOOT!!!

So ya I fell emotionally, it happens, on one level it lets me know that I am still hum,an lol But picking yourself up off the floor only makes you stronger, like an emotional push up. This journey is one that is full of self discovery, cleaning the skeletons out of your proverbial mind closet, facing your demons, its all part of the journey….if we can make it through the abyss of our own self, we can become a more stronger person……we can achieve our goals, one baby step at a time, is still getting you there! I am still learning and growing, I think I will always be learning, growing and changing until the day I die

On a physical level, I am not doing so good, I get to go to yet another specialist, now on top of my PTC condition, there is a problem with my sinuses, so on top of the pressure headaches I have every day, I have sinus headaches, double whammy, yay for me….ggggrrrr……the neurologist didnt explain to me what was going on she just referred me to the ear nose and throat guy, I did not ask her for more info because she seemed to be choking constantly and could barely talk, poor old gal.

So buddies, I am here still, I am around, I am not on nearly as much as I would love to be, but if you need me I am just a buddy mail away I still think of you all each and every day and I am going to try to be on more for you! Thank you all for just being you, thank you for all the notes, the inspiration and the love, I feel the love!!

So I am sending you all hugs and love,  we can do this, even if its just one baby step at a time, one small achievement can be like a tiny snow ball rolling down a mountain, lets get rollin’!
Love and Peace!
Leah♥

You dont have to read this, I just need to get this out…..

I guess the depression trying to set back, I feel like such crap…I have spent the last weeks working out 3 times a day, keeping my cals in check, drinking tons of water….but no loss, just the same numbers on the scale every week, I think I have lost like 4 pounds in an entire month…..ya the depression is trying to find its way back into my life, and I dont know if I can stop it again…..

A part of me wants to just be happy that I made it to size 12, but the rest of me refuses to be happy with that….I look down at my body and for some reason I hate the way it looks just as much as I did when I was almost 300 pounds….everything is all saggy, every thing is all wrinkly with loose skin even my ass!!!!!! my thighs are still fat, I have stretch marks every where, and all I want to do is cry, every day…..

Why did I ever put myself in this position, why did I ever let myself go and get so fucking fat….I will never be able to be happy with this body and it is totally sucking for me to realize that……all the work I have done on getting rid of my depression and self loathing feels like it was for nothing, because still it hides in my mind and comes out and slaps me in the face….I hate feeling like this, I hate the fact I am weak and let this boohoo crap get the best of me…..I just dont know what to do…..

 So Here is my Progress~

July Progress pic in my new 12s

Junes Progress pic in 14s

Mays Progress Pic in 15s

Feb/March Progress Pic in 16s

So that is my progress in pics, not bad…this has been a great journey, its not over yet of course…..though size 12 was my main goal, its not over yet I think I could make it to 10s and then 8s….who knows maybe even 6s ?!?!?!

But this is the weird part, I thought once I was in 12s I would feel so good, so accomplished, but I dont….I dont feel like 12s are good enough, though I know inside me that getting from size 24 to 12s is a huge accomplishment, I dont feel like its good enough…I cant stop now, I catch myself still feeling sooooo big, I guess I am just still not happy with my body, with how much space I am taking up….but I am on the level, that I know I can work out, I can work my body harder than I ever thought I would be able to, and I LOVE it! Now a confession, I think I am obsessed with working out, and even though I know I may be over doing it, I dont care, I work out three times a day for 25-45 minute sessions, I try to make sure I take one day off a week at least, but on my days off I still have to get in one or two work outs, how sad is that?! Sparkpeople.com has my calorie intake a day set between 2100-2500, and I cant eat that much, but I do try…I am just so set on this path, I am in a good routine, maybe over doing it a bit, but it feels so good to push myself, its like an addiction now almost, but I had to come clean on that, it feels good to get it off my chest lol!

I sat out to be a size 12, now its time to proove to myself I can reach any goal.

I am sorry I havent been any kind of good buddy, I havent been a good team mate, I have just been so busy, I am trying to get back into my art and that feels sooooooo good! Being able to create, I think the freedom of creative expression is soooooo very important for the spirit, and when the sdpirit feels satisfied the mind and body follows

I am going to try to get in more time on the compy, please, please forgive me for not being on as much as I should…..but I do want you to know I think about all my buddy’s and team mates all the time… and I figured out what my reward for reaching my main goal is going to be, a tiger tattoo, a symbol for not only the inner strength of the spirit, but also a symbol  my WILDCATS, they have helped me soooooo much, and because ofcourse I have always loved big cats

Sending hugz to all my buddies and teams kitties….And I hope to be on here more often!

Spread Peace and Love Always!
Leah♥