leahmarie

I am still around, still staying on track, I have been maintaining my current weight, still loosing a pound or two a month, which is cool since I am not exercising at all, I am still making sure I eat right.
Today I decided to start up my food journal again because I really want to loose the last 20 or so pounds thats standing between me and a size 6.

I have a good reason for not exercising though, My back has totally sabotaged my life. I have a condition called spondilosinthesis, where my L5 disk is pushed forward and pinching my nerves, even my sciatic nerve is being messed with. My back muscles are always so tense now and I have a constant headache, that never goes away. The doc seems to think that once I get the shots to help the nerves that everything will calm dawn and the head aches will get better.

They sent me to physical therapy, that didnt help, they sent me to the neurologist, she thinks its migraines, I dont think migraines are constant, where you wake up and go to bed with the same headache for days and days, I have lost count of how long I have had this headache.

I dont know what to do any more, some days I wake up and I cant even stand up straight, and some times that lasts for days.

But I decided to get back on the boat because I know I can stay on track and conquer this last bit of weight that is sticking around, on my journey I have lost over 120 pounds, I would love to turn that into a total of 150 lost ;o)

I need some inspiration ;o)

I have missed my buddies and I am sorry I havent been around! Life has just been hard, the kids, the house, all the Mom stuff wipes me out and I am just so tired anymore! I wanna catch up, tell me how things have been, who lost how much and all the good stuff I have been missing! It will be so awesome to hear from my buddies!

Sending lots of hugs!

Getting Myself back

And I am feeling better, well on that level…..more good news, I got on a pair of size 10s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am wearing them right now a little tight, but I got them on and I did NOT have to do the lieing down on the bed and flopping around thing hehe!! Size 10s, I havent gotten this size on for like 10 years!!! So my inspiration is coming back to me, even though I was down and out, I stuck with my program. And this week it looks like I will be seeing new numbers on that scale! WOOOOT!!!

So ya I fell emotionally, it happens, on one level it lets me know that I am still hum,an lol But picking yourself up off the floor only makes you stronger, like an emotional push up. This journey is one that is full of self discovery, cleaning the skeletons out of your proverbial mind closet, facing your demons, its all part of the journey….if we can make it through the abyss of our own self, we can become a more stronger person……we can achieve our goals, one baby step at a time, is still getting you there! I am still learning and growing, I think I will always be learning, growing and changing until the day I die

On a physical level, I am not doing so good, I get to go to yet another specialist, now on top of my PTC condition, there is a problem with my sinuses, so on top of the pressure headaches I have every day, I have sinus headaches, double whammy, yay for me….ggggrrrr……the neurologist didnt explain to me what was going on she just referred me to the ear nose and throat guy, I did not ask her for more info because she seemed to be choking constantly and could barely talk, poor old gal.

So buddies, I am here still, I am around, I am not on nearly as much as I would love to be, but if you need me I am just a buddy mail away I still think of you all each and every day and I am going to try to be on more for you! Thank you all for just being you, thank you for all the notes, the inspiration and the love, I feel the love!!

So I am sending you all hugs and love,  we can do this, even if its just one baby step at a time, one small achievement can be like a tiny snow ball rolling down a mountain, lets get rollin’!
Love and Peace!
Leah♥

You dont have to read this, I just need to get this out…..

I guess the depression trying to set back, I feel like such crap…I have spent the last weeks working out 3 times a day, keeping my cals in check, drinking tons of water….but no loss, just the same numbers on the scale every week, I think I have lost like 4 pounds in an entire month…..ya the depression is trying to find its way back into my life, and I dont know if I can stop it again…..

A part of me wants to just be happy that I made it to size 12, but the rest of me refuses to be happy with that….I look down at my body and for some reason I hate the way it looks just as much as I did when I was almost 300 pounds….everything is all saggy, every thing is all wrinkly with loose skin even my ass!!!!!! my thighs are still fat, I have stretch marks every where, and all I want to do is cry, every day…..

Why did I ever put myself in this position, why did I ever let myself go and get so fucking fat….I will never be able to be happy with this body and it is totally sucking for me to realize that……all the work I have done on getting rid of my depression and self loathing feels like it was for nothing, because still it hides in my mind and comes out and slaps me in the face….I hate feeling like this, I hate the fact I am weak and let this boohoo crap get the best of me…..I just dont know what to do…..

 So Here is my Progress~

July Progress pic in my new 12s

Junes Progress pic in 14s

Mays Progress Pic in 15s

Feb/March Progress Pic in 16s

So that is my progress in pics, not bad…this has been a great journey, its not over yet of course…..though size 12 was my main goal, its not over yet I think I could make it to 10s and then 8s….who knows maybe even 6s ?!?!?!

But this is the weird part, I thought once I was in 12s I would feel so good, so accomplished, but I dont….I dont feel like 12s are good enough, though I know inside me that getting from size 24 to 12s is a huge accomplishment, I dont feel like its good enough…I cant stop now, I catch myself still feeling sooooo big, I guess I am just still not happy with my body, with how much space I am taking up….but I am on the level, that I know I can work out, I can work my body harder than I ever thought I would be able to, and I LOVE it! Now a confession, I think I am obsessed with working out, and even though I know I may be over doing it, I dont care, I work out three times a day for 25-45 minute sessions, I try to make sure I take one day off a week at least, but on my days off I still have to get in one or two work outs, how sad is that?! Sparkpeople.com has my calorie intake a day set between 2100-2500, and I cant eat that much, but I do try…I am just so set on this path, I am in a good routine, maybe over doing it a bit, but it feels so good to push myself, its like an addiction now almost, but I had to come clean on that, it feels good to get it off my chest lol!

I sat out to be a size 12, now its time to proove to myself I can reach any goal.

I am sorry I havent been any kind of good buddy, I havent been a good team mate, I have just been so busy, I am trying to get back into my art and that feels sooooooo good! Being able to create, I think the freedom of creative expression is soooooo very important for the spirit, and when the sdpirit feels satisfied the mind and body follows

I am going to try to get in more time on the compy, please, please forgive me for not being on as much as I should…..but I do want you to know I think about all my buddy’s and team mates all the time… and I figured out what my reward for reaching my main goal is going to be, a tiger tattoo, a symbol for not only the inner strength of the spirit, but also a symbol  my WILDCATS, they have helped me soooooo much, and because ofcourse I have always loved big cats

Sending hugz to all my buddies and teams kitties….And I hope to be on here more often!

Spread Peace and Love Always!
Leah♥

I feel…that’s just it, I FEEL…this is almost like realizing I am waking up after a winters long sleep….feeling again is like opening your eyes to the bright morning sun, and I am adjusting….I am emerging….

For so long I slept in a world where I had barred my feelings away from myself, ones around me, the whole world, easier to deal with that way ya know….I guess for every feeling I imprisoned away, it stored itself in the pounds I gained…..never really gone, the only way to get rid of it was work it out of hiding, face it and free it from my binds….I never realized that I was keeping it there to torment myself…I never knew how far this step would actually take me in my development….

I always was seeking for something to fill the void I created inside myself, maybe I didnt create it by myself, for we are all products of our environment, as a child growing up in this world of unsure possibilities, I picked up my characteristics as I went, examples layed down by supreme beings like the parents, some being forced into my life unwanted, even scary, others picked up to help deal with the trash left behind by the inconsiderate….cover up the void any way you want, it may look good for awhile but one day your going to fall through, and that’s the day where you can either finally take the time to heal this void, or choose to pick up a rug and cover it up again….
I am on a non-stop journey to finally heal the void, fix myself inside and I know with out a doubt that the outside shell will follow. Oh to feel like a complete being again, the day I hit that goal there will be no turning back, all that will be left is to just BE, and that’s what I am going to do, finally be Me

In no way am I thinking its going to be an easy quick, blink of the eye and snap of the finger, its a journey, it is THE journey, the one I have been on my whole life, at least I am on the right road now, some how making my way back after taking so many unplanned exits and fantastical short cuts that ends in tragedy….. sure I could sit and beat myself up for being so ignorant, and that is what I did for so long and it got me no where, like sitting on the side of the road will usually do, OR, or I can say well at least I learned Something from my mistakes, pick myself up, dust off the crap and started out again, now with some kind of knowledge gained.

We are learning and growing always, it is what you do with the information, knowledge that you gain that is so very important……how are you going to shape your life, yourself, your future….I for one, am finally strong enough to say that I am ready to shape myself into the person I always wanted to be, the real Me….. and I am finally ready to kick this old fake costume I have been wearing for too many years, its been so heavy, so cumbersome…..
Shake your costume, be true to yourself always…..let love spread through you like wild fire, the first step to freedom is Love, that unconditional love we all seek, we need to give it ourselves first, so we can learn how to truly give it to others, think what a wonderful world that would make

Peace Always,
Leah Marie ♥

Veiw More Art~ My Art Portfolio

Hi Buddies! I am in the mood to blog about  a topic that I just cant stop thinking about, I want to get this out and share

*Missing You* by Leah Marie

I started this journey think about only losing weight, and I am finding that it is about so much more….I started asking myself, “Who are you….really?”. May sound kind of funny at first, but it is really an important question. Who are you? Really? At first we ramble off the obvious….but when you really think about it, its goes so much deeper than just the surface. Who are you, do you remember who you were as a child, as a teenager,  do you remember that you are still you and that you are apart of everything you have ever been…

It seems somewhere along the way I have detached myself, I got caught up in all that was around me and forgot about myself….As women we spend so much time thinking about everyone else, our partners, our children, our friends, our employers and colleagues,….it seems not many of us  get much Me time…slowly time seems to cover up where we came from…..

For me I finally am realizing I am Me, and I am finding a sense of Independent Individuality….I forgot that I have thoughts, wants, dreams, hopes, passions, desires all that are my own, that come from within me, and I think I need to start giving myself back to Myself.

I think I use to use food to fill a void that I didnt know how to fill, then I stayed in my bubble, not wanting to take responsibility for myself, my life, or even my body…..I forgot about myself, letting the role of mother, wife, caregiver take over, maybe it was easier that way for me, easier to take care of others and look away from my own issues, just easier to not have to be accountable for what I was doing to myself, physically and mentall, even spiritually….because when you start asking yourself these questions, either you have to be honest with yourself or you just arent, and when we are not honest with Ourselves it seems that we lose touch, we look away, we use life to cover up the empty feelings, the void that lingers…and for a time it may seem like its working, but then one day and you look and nothing has really changed, you are still using things like food, work, life to cover up that emptiness….

When you want for change to happen so bad, we have to start looking within to find the answers….. and we have to remember, do you remember what it was like to be a young child, remember when you could find magic in the world, in life, do remember when you had dreams, do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up, do you remember what your first kiss felt like and the whole wonder of it all…..do you remember being a teen, strugling to find your independence, did you get that independence or did life just change around you…

Are you who you want to be, that is my question for myself…..and my honest answer is, I dont know…..I know that I am finding aspects of myself that I do like, I am finding that there is much more I want to be, and I have started working to get rid of the parts that I cant stand any more….this is where it is all about Honesty, either I be honest all the way, or its just a waste of time, I dont want to be stuck any more, its time for truth, growth, my spirit wants to be free, I want to be Me….

So call it, soul searching, call it maturity, call it a side effect of having a concious ego….what ever you call it, there comes a time in our lives where we Have to start loving ourselves, nurturing our selves, mind body, spirit….so we can grow and become the person within, the true You, the True Me….There comes a time when we have to love ourselves enough to realize It is OK to be Me….

So who are you, are you who you want to be? Do you have time for yourself to become Yourself……look deep within, is it time to let your spirit free…..let love guide your journey, because with out Love, then what are we living for….

I started this journey thinking about only losing some weight, and I am finding so much more, I am finding Myself, the Leah that was once a little girl who wondered at the magic of all that was seen and unseen, I am that 14 year old trying to find my way to become a woman, well I am just now opening that door….

So cheers my friends, this life is beautiful, wonderful, amazing…..no more letting it just pass us by….reach out and grab the moment, for a moment can be eternity….

Peace Always,

♥Leah Marie♥

You have to believe in yourself! You  can truly do anything if you really want to, from couch potato to this! I made it my goal to work out every day of May, and I did~
1. 40 mins stationary bike, 35 mins walking, 50 jumping jacks, 50 push ups
2. 60 mins on stationary bike, 20 mins walking, 50 jumping jacks,50 push ups
3. 70 mins on stationary, 50 push ups, 50 jumping jacks
4. 45 mins stationary, 45 mins walking, 50 jumping jacks
5. 40 mins stationary, 25 mins walking, oops no jumping jacks (had a headache)
6. 55 mins stationary bike, 55 jumping jacks, 55 push ups ( 55 day woot)
7. 55 mins stationary, 50 push ups, 50 jumping jacks
8. 45 mins stationary, 50 jumping jacks, 50 push ups, 35 mins walking
9. 60 mins stationary bike, 40 mins walking
10. 60 mins stationary bike, 15 mins walking
11. 40 mins stationary, 10 min ab ball work out
12. 60 mins stationary bike, 10 min ab ball
13. 60 min stationary bike, 15 min ab ball, 35 min walking
14. 62 mins stationary bike, 10 min ab ball, 25 min walking, 65 push ups
15. 60 mins stationary bike, 10 min ab ball, 65 push ups
16. 60 mins stationary, 10 min ab ball, 65 push ups
17. 50 mins stationary, 10 min ab ball, 65 push ups
18. 50 mins stationary, 20 mins walking
19. 1 hr 20 mins stationary bike, 25 mins walking, 5 min abs, 65 push ups
20. 55 mins stationary, 10 min ab ball, 65 push ups
21. 60 mins stationary bike, 20 mins walking
22. 30 min stationary bike, 30 mins walking
23. 60 mins stationary bike, 5 min ab ball, 65 push ups
24. 60 mins stationary bike, 10 min ab ball, 65 push ups
25. 60 mins stationary, 5 min ab ball, 65 push ups
26. 30 min stationary, 45 minute walking
27. 30 min stationary, 5 min ab ball, 65 push ups
28. 70 min stationary bike
29. 40 min stationary bike, 5 min ab ball, 65 push ups
30. 50 min stationary, 5 min ab ball, 65 push ups
31. 65 min stationary bike, 5 min ab ball

I cant believe it! So many goals hit for May, it gives me faith I am going to keep on hitting more goals! This is proof that we can do this, we can loose weight and be fit! Its all about how much of yourself you are willing to give Yourself! We here at BuddySlim have an advantage, each other! I know I would not push my self if I had no one to be accountable to, my team the Wildcats, the most amazing bunch of women I could have ever wanted to meet, keep me motivated, even when I am no where near my computer!

So cheers to my buddies, all you wonderful peeps!! I could not do this with out you, and I would not want to!!! Cheers to us, cheers to our bodies, cheers to our goals!!!

Peace Always,

♥Leah♥

BMI	Weight Status
Below 18.5	Underweight
18.5—24.9	Normal
25.0—29.9	Overweight
30.0 and Above	Obese

I am No longer Obese!!!! Now I am just Overweight and I can hang with that, because its not going to last for long!! I started this with a BMI of 41.7, ahhhhhhh! Now its 29.8 and I plan on keeping it droppin’ until I am  in the ‘normal’range woot!

I am just so happy right now, I have been wanting to get that BMI number under 30 for sooooo long I am just going to keep sticking with it, because it pays off!

Right now my muscles are a little on the sore side. I have been workin my core out the past two weeks and I measured my waist this morning, 35 inches!!!! I started this somewhere around the 46 inches area, I dont really measure much else but I know that I am loosing inches everywhere, in my arms too, Thanks for the Push up advice Nancy!!! And I am sure the long 45+ minute sexercise work outs have been helping a lot too, thanx hubby

But feeling my muscles being a little sore is making me feel so alive, its a good feeling to know that I can and will be the hot fit mama I wanna be!

And the hubz! Oh some of you may remember me blogging about his back and how he could barely walk or stand up straight….well he is standing up straight and walking and getting himself back into tip top shape, he has been working out too and its paying off for him, I am so proud of him!

Lets make this summer full of goals won and dreams coming true!!!

Shout out to my cats, I love you guys!
Peace Always,

Leah♥

Wow, this is like so amazing, today I went to Waly World, found a pair of size 14 (petite) jeans on the clearance rack for $5, what a deal, even better they rang up $3 at check out, I love that! I figured they would be my next goal jeans, I mean they are 14s!

So I got home and figured lets see how much more I gotta loose to fit into these suckers…pulling them on, they went over my hips, woot, now for the buttoning, well they button yes with room to Breath!!!! Now I started this journey is a size 24……a 24! Now I am fitting into 14s…whats next can I really hit 12s and then by the grace of the universe will i hit 10s….oh ya baby!!!!!

We can do this!!!!!!

I love you guys!!!

Since my Nancy was brave enough to show us hers, I figured I would share mine….These were hidden away in a box, I only stumbled on them looking for more books to read…So here we go, here is me in ‘04, I was 5 months prego in this pic, but I only gained 3 pounds during the whole pregnancy with my daughter.

And here is me in ‘05, this was at one of my biggest points….omg I cant believe Iam showing you guys this LOL!!!

Talk about Ms Piggy, that was what I always called myself back then lol…….

Ok now for the recent ones, these make me feel better lol!!!

( those pants are size 15s  woot woot! )

Still got work to do, gotta get rid of that tummy, tone those arms too!!!

I got goals and I am gunna reach ‘em!!!

I could not have come this far with out my Buddies….I LOVE you guys!!!!!
If I can do this, anyone can…so smile, we are on this journey Together!!!

Cheers to Us and our Bright, Healthy Futures!

Peace & Hugz,

♥ Leah ♥